


Lions

by Mice



Series: Moments Sacred and Profane [29]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mind Swap, Other, going AU here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-06 07:53:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1850287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mice/pseuds/Mice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Strange shit happens, and it's a race against time to save Rodney's brain. No, really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lions

**Author's Note:**

> This is a bit of an AU take on Duet. What happened in the ep happens, but... not exactly. Based on a really cool suggestion by Pas. Beta by Pas and Heruadys. WHEE!

_The roaring of lions, the howling of wolves, the raging of the stormy sea, and the destructive sword, are portions of eternity too great for the eye of man._  
~~William Blake -- from _The Marriage of Heaven and Hell_ ~~

"Bloody Androcles," Carson muttered, walking into God only knew what. He was supposed to do field surgery on an armed man who was holding Teyla hostage? How he got himself into these things he had no idea. Mum would no doubt fall over in a dead faint if she knew half the things he did.

Rodney was missing and had been for hours. There could be Wraith anywhere, and they might arrive at any moment. Carson was frantic as he cautiously approached the stone arch where Colonel Sheppard said the man was holding Teyla. He tried to tell himself that Sheppard wouldn't let anything happen to him and that really, he was just making a house call.

As if he'd ever made house calls before Atlantis.

It was bright now, but the sun was setting quickly. If he were able to do the surgery at all, it would take time to set up the necessary lights and arrange his equipment. He tried to distract himself by going through the technical aspects of what he might find. The sight of the immense armed man before him, however, shut down everything his mind was going about.

Androcles and the Lion -- no doubt the Colonel had chosen his metaphor well, for the man looked like nothing less than a lion, with his great mane of dreads and the fierce suspicion in his eyes. "Hullo," Carson said. "I normally don't make house calls like this, but then again, this isn't really a house, is it?" All right, so it wasn't a sparkling opening, but he was scared. He did his best to stay professional. If the man wanted the Wraith transmitter out of him, then he wasn't like to shoot a doctor, was he?

It took a bit of persuading to get the young man's shirt off, but he'd not allow Carson to give him anything for the pain. Setting up for the surgery took half an hour or so, and by that time it was black as pitch out. The sun set much faster than Carson had anticipated, but by the time he got his scalpel out to begin, he was cursing the incompetence of the alleged doctors who'd tried to dig the bloody transmitter out of the lad's back before.

Most of the surgery he'd done over the years had been under a certain amount of pressure. Lives were usually at stake, particularly since he'd come to the Pegasus galaxy, but operating in a cave with guns pointing in different directions and the Wraith lurking about in the wings was a new experience for him. He hoped he'd never have it again. At least once he was actually focused on the surgery he was calmer. Carson knew what to do with skin and muscle and nerves.

"Okay, I'm ready," he told Ronon. "Look, I just want to say one last time; I don't think this is a good idea. I'm goin' to be cutting very close to your spinal column here. If you were to flinch--"

"I won't flinch." Ronon's voice was deep and determined.

"Okay." Carson sighed and flipped the magnifying lens down.

The _thing_ in the man's back was like an insect burrowed under flesh, with protruding barbs like legs or claws that tore at muscle as Carson tugged at it. He hated doing this without anesthesia, but the huge man insisted. Ronon's skin was sweat-slick and he was trembling slightly, his hand shaking as it aimed his immense weapon at Teyla. Carson prayed Dex's finger wouldn't slip in a moment of unexpected agony. Even though Colonel Sheppard had a bead on the man, Carson thought that more than one person would die if shots were fired.

Once he had the bloody bugger out of Dex's back, the lad passed out and Carson made swift work of sewing up the incision. The danger, at least from that angle, was over for the moment, but he still had to do something to deactivate the Wraith transmitter.

No doubt Rodney and Radek would want to study the nasty thing -- but that had Carson thinking about the fact that Rodney was still missing. It was frightening to think what might have happened to him here in this godforsaken place with its high solar radiation levels and Wraith and possibly even a very ill Lieutenant Ford who wasn't in his right mind at all. 

Carson grimaced and put a scalpel through the transmitter. The signal had stopped when he scanned the thing afterwards. Whoever studied it would just have to do it with the horrid thing in pieces.

Colonel Sheppard came to join them as Carson was examining the thing. "I'm quite certain I've disabled the device," Carson said.

"It may be too late," Teyla added, looking uneasy.

"We know at least one Wraith tracked Ronon here," Sheppard said. "I'm gonna go look for McKay and Ford."

Teyla nodded. "Yes. We will be fine."

"Now that the lion's passed out cold," Carson added, casting a nervous glance toward the cave's opening. He hoped the Wraith weren't anywhere close, and that Rodney was safe.

Sheppard strode away from them. "I'm gonna pick you up with the Jumper as soon as--" His sentence was shattered by gunfire in the distance. Sheppard dashed away, leaving Carson frantic. 

"We should head back inside," Teyla told him. She slipped into a watchful stance, guarding him as they headed back for the cave.

They turned to gather up Ronon, but he was gone. Carson's heart froze.

*** 

Rodney got dressed after his post-mission exam. His hip and leg ached and though Carson insisted he hadn't sprained his ankle, it certainly felt that way. "He's insane," he said. "He was gonna kill me while I was hanging upside down by my ankle. If that... that Wookie hadn't body slammed him, I'd be dead right now." Rodney's pulse still hadn't calmed enough for him to feel anything like right. "I was out in all that solar radiation, and god, what if I'm all sunburnt again. What if it starts up another round of radiation sickness?" He looked over at his lover, who was standing there, just looking at him. "Carson?"

"You're all right, Rodney. You'll have some sore muscles for a few days, but you're really no worse for the wear." Carson smiled slightly. "Go on home now and get some rest. I'll see you when I'm off work. You've had a very trying day."

Rodney nodded, his hands in the air. "Yes. Yes. Very trying. Exceedingly trying. Do I need something for high blood pressure? Because I could swear I'm just really on the edge of a stroke here."

Carson sighed and shook his head then put down his data pad and hugged Rodney. "It's nothing a little rest won't cure." Rodney's arms couldn't move under Carson's, so he gave up with the hand waving and just held on, relieved to be doing something normal for a change.

Burying his face in Carson's shoulder, he could smell medicine and bleach and fear on his lover. "You okay?" Rodney asked.

"I've had better days," Carson admitted. He let Rodney go. "I've others to give post-mission exams to, love. Go on home with you. I've work to do."

"Home, right," Rodney muttered. "Remind me I've got a meeting with Brown the day after tomorrow. Something about the energy panels in the botany labs, I think. She wasn't too specific." He limped away, wondering if Osbourne had got the naquadah mining operation set up on PM1-569 yet. The studies from the last week had shown a substantial vein and some Ancient ruins nearby. It may, Geoff reported, have been one of the sites where the Ancients had mined naquadah for manufacturing Gates and Jumpers.

With more naquadah generators, new systems would pose less of a drain on the ZPM if the shield were needed again. Overall, it was a good idea to get the ore and refine it. Keeping the refining process on an uninhabited planet -- like, for instance, PM1-569 -- was also a really good idea. Radek, however, had been less than thrilled with the idea that Geoff would be away so much, supervising the project.

Rodney decided to stop by the labs before he went home, even though it was late. He'd been gone for about a day and a half in the misbegotten and ultimately failed search for Ford. He tried to forget how awful the kid had looked. He really was unhinged, and it had scared the crap out of Rodney.

Terr Hill came down the corridor as Rodney hobbled along, arm in arm with one of the older RAF officers who'd recently transferred in. Right, it wasn't illegal to be queer in the British military. Terr stared at him then held up his cane. "You look like you need this more than I do, McKay."

"Screw you," Rodney grumbled.

Terr laughed. "You couldn't get that lucky." He shook his head and the Brit on his arm snickered as they continued on to where they were going. Probably Terr's room, if Rodney didn't miss his guess. He wondered if they'd show up together on Thursday.

It wasn't far to the lab. Radek was sitting there with most of the lights off, his glasses reflecting blue in the light of his laptop. "Hey," Rodney said.

Radek looked over his laptop. "Rodney. I hear you had a very bad day."

"It sucked more than usual. I mean, not quite Wraith killing me suckage, but it was pretty awful." He sighed. "We lost Ford. He jumped into a Wraith beam. He's gone." He'd never really been a friend of Ford's but still, the loss hurt more than he'd expected. Even with all the crazy addict stuff going on, Ford was really just an overly enthusiastic kid who loved to blow things up. Rodney could get behind blowing things up. He'd done enough of it as a kid himself.

Chemistry sets. Back yards. The occasional tree. At least the nuke hadn't had any real fissionable material, or he might have wiped out part of Toronto.

"I'm sorry," Radek said softly. He sat, watching Rodney. "Do you want coffee? There is still a little left." He gestured to the carafe on his lab table.

"Yeah, that sounds good." He sat on a stool next to Radek and poured himself a cup. He sipped and sat quietly for a while, just listening to the sounds of the lab.

"You were limping," Radek said. "What happened?"

Rodney shrugged. "I was ambushed by Sheppard's new pet Wookie."

"I think you have been too long without sleep," Radek chuckled. "You should go home."

"No, seriously. This guy's like a fucking mountain. With dreadlocks. He's... god, he's Tyr Anasazi or something."

"You are no longer speaking English, or any other language I recognize. Go to bed, Rodney." Radek reached for Rodney's shoulder and both of them froze for a fraction of an instant as Radek's hand touched him. Radek pulled it back slowly.

Rodney nodded, his heart pounding. "Yeah," he whispered. "I think I should." He set the cup down and hurried away. Sure, Carson had said Radek was interested in him, but this... this was almost frightening. He needed time to get used to the idea that it was even all right to contemplate feeling the way he felt about the little Czech.

"Life is complicated enough as it is," he muttered to himself as he limped home. "I so don't need this. McKay, you're an idiot."

The door opened for him and he tossed his LBE vest on a chair. It hit with a satisfying thunk. The door hissed closed behind him and he stared around the living room.

Sinking down on the couch, Rodney buried his face in his hands. "I am so fucked."

*** 

Elizabeth sighed as she faced Colonel Sheppard across her desk. "He just jumped into the beam," Sheppard said.

Elizabeth nodded. "We have no idea what will happen now that he's in Wraith hands."

"You think Caldwell hasn't beaten me around the head and shoulders with that often enough yet today?" He frowned and crossed his arms protectively over his chest, leaning back in his chair. "Ford was my _friend_ Elizabeth. My 2IC. I had to give him a chance to come back with us on his own. That wasn't working. I mean, hell, I _shot_ him. It should have stopped him. I had no idea he was gonna throw himself into the damned beam."

"What's done is done, John. We'll just have to live with the consequences, whatever those may be. The other thing I wanted to address," Elizabeth said, "is your guest. Did he give you the address for his homeworld?"

"Sateda? Yeah. I think we should check it out. From what he said, they seem to have a fairly high level of tech. If they've survived the culling, they might make good allies."

She nodded. "I agree. I'll arrange to send a MALP through on an exploratory mission."

"Good idea." Sheppard let a tiny smile open his face a bit. "We could use a little good news for a change."

"Isn't that the truth?" Elizabeth sipped her Athosian tea. She'd developed rather a taste for it over the past year. "At least we didn't lose anyone on the recovery mission. Rodney seemed quite shaken, though."

"Well, yeah. Hanging him upside down by his ankle didn't do his temper any good, and with Ford going all freaky on him -- well, let's just say McKay wasn't at his best today."

"He is all right, though, isn't he?" She rested her elbows on her desk, leaning toward Sheppard.

"Seems to be. Beckett said he's fine." Sheppard relaxed slightly, letting his arms slip down near his sides. "The guys that Ford stunned are recovering too. Man, I hate how that damned stunner feels."

"I'm just glad he didn't kill them outright. By all reports, he's not the Aiden Ford we used to know." She held the warm mug between her hands, concerned but uncertain what to do. At this point, mounting another rescue mission was out of the question. There was no guarantee that Ford would cooperate, even if he could be found.

"It's the enzyme, Elizabeth. It's really messed with his head, but I'm sure he's still under there somewhere. He needs help."

"If he's even still alive."

Sheppard shook his head. "He's resourceful. He's survived this long. I don't think we can count him out."

"There's nothing we can do now," she said. "At any rate, we do need to investigate Specialist Dex's claims about Sateda, so I'd suggest we get started on that."

"Right. I'll get Stackhouse's team on it. We'll get a MALP and send it through, then have his team ready for recon if we get good telemetry."

"Excellent. Be ready to go in an hour." Elizabeth stood, dismissing him. Sheppard rose to his feet and nodded.

"Will do."

"And John?"

He paused in his turn toward the door. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

His face closed, but she could read the pain in it. "Thanks," he said softly.

*** 

Ronon stared at the screen, not sure if he should believe what they were showing him. The skyline of Satond was broken and shattered, toppled like toys in a child's room. He barely heard what they told him about their technology and getting pictures from distant planets.

Sateda was gone.

His people were gone. All of them. Nothing moved on the ground or in the sky around the city.

Gone.

He turned, needing to escape the horrifying picture. The security escort -- laughable -- followed him to his assigned room and stood outside the door.

All these years he'd been running, hoping that at least some had survived the culling and that life would go on.

Nothing. 

He was truly alone. Now that he'd finally been rid of the cursed beacon in his back, there was no home for him to return to. He'd been able to accept that while he was Running, he couldn't be around anyone else. He'd been alone, but his people had survived, and that was what mattered. Ronon was a soldier -- he'd been raised with a gun in his hand, knowing he'd give his life to defend his people, but this...

Kell must have had something to do with it. The man was a traitor, but at least he was dead. Nothing could have escaped that level of devastation. He wondered if anyone had ever even made it to the shelters. Ronon sat on the bunk they'd given him, staring out the window over the ocean. The view was as empty as he was.

He should never have hoped. After their Doctor Beckett had pulled the transmitter from his back, he'd hoped he could return home. He'd hoped that maybe some of his friends, some of his unit had survived. That at least he'd have a planet to return to.

What had happened was unimaginable. The Wraith were in the midst of an orgy of destruction the likes of which he'd never even heard rumor of before. Entire planets--

Ronon took a deep breath, eyes closing against the bright light outside his room. It seemed he'd never be able to stop Running.

*** 

Halling shook his head, shock in his eyes. "I have never seen such destruction after a culling, Teyla." She looked up at her friend, wishing he'd had any other news. "I do not believe anyone survived. We could find nothing to suggest anyone was left on Tahanor."

The sorrow she felt was bone-deep. She had known many on Tahanor over the years. "We will need to inform Dr. Weir. Perhaps they can find survivors with their scanning devices. I know that if anyone is left, Dr. Beckett will want to help them. If anyone was injured and not able to respond to you and the others in the trading party, perhaps they can be found."

"Yes, that... that would be a very good idea." Halling didn't look convinced. He pulled her over to a chair on the balcony and they both sat side by side, staring out over the water. "When you returned with Orrin, I thought that what you described was horrifying." His deep voice was quiet and his long, dark blond hair ruffled in the breeze. Halling rested his bearded chin in one hand. "We have known for a long time now that this was going to be bad. I do not know what to do anymore."

With a quiet rumble, he turned his head, grey eyes fixing her in place. "Our people do what they can to help preserve the City of the Ancestors, but even with all their power, the Lanteans can do little to stop the Wraith. This ruse they have set up, hiding the city, it cannot last. We will have to fight again, and harder than before."

"At least we live to continue fighting." She reached out and took his hand, squeezing reassuringly. "They are good people, Halling. They are trying so hard."

He nodded. "If there is any hope for us, it lies here. You have done so much for us in your work with the Lanteans. Their knowledge is great and yet they have so much to learn."

"I have only so much influence with them," Teyla said. "They listen, but there are times when I truly believe they do not hear." She stood. "If there is any hope of finding survivors, I must go now and speak with Dr. Weir about sending teams to Tahanor."

Halling nodded and rose, touching their foreheads. "Go safely," he said. "Let me know when you return. I hope you will have good news, despite my fears."

*** 

"What do you mean, I've got to go offworld?" Carson was determined to stay right where he was -- safely in his chair behind his desk, thank you -- and not walk through that bloody Gate.

"Seriously, Doc," Sheppard said, "if there _are_ any survivors, you're the one who's gonna know how to help them. I mean, yeah, we took Bentz in when we were looking for you and McKay, but you've got more offworld experience than she does. And besides, I trust you more."

Carson sighed. "And you say the Wraith are already gone?"

"For a day or two at least, we think."

"You think? Well, I don't like it," Carson said, rising to his feet. "It'll take me about ten minutes to get a rucksack and my kit together." He pursed his lips and looked up at Sheppard. "Don't you be makin' a habit of this."

"Wouldn't dream of it, Doc." Sheppard smiled in that flirt with everything sentient and most things that weren't way of his and took off. Carson muttered a curse under his breath and called for Shel Tuchman.

"Yes, Carson?" She appeared at his door, curious. "What's up?"

"The Colonel wants me to go offworld on a potential rescue mission. I'll need you to get me up a field kit while I get myself ready. Can you do it in ten minutes, luv?" He gave her a weak half-smile.

She nodded quickly. "Of course. I'll meet you with it in the Gateroom."

"Oh, that's a fine lass." He smiled as she vanished. She really was the most efficient nurse he'd ever worked with. If they lived in a place where money had any meaning at all, he'd give her a raise. 

Hurrying down to the armory, he checked out his weapon and LBE for the trip. He was in the Gateroom at nine minutes. Shel arrived a moment later, a heavy black rucksack over her shoulder. "Here you go, Carson. Good luck."

He took the pack from her and slipped it over his own shoulders as Rodney, Teyla and Sheppard entered the room, accompanied by Major Lorne, his team, and two other offworld teams.

"Okay, Cadman," Sheppard said. He gestured at Carson and Rodney. "Beckett and McKay are your responsibility while we're there. Don't let them out of your sight."

"It's about time I got my own security escort on offworld assignments," Rodney grumbled, coming to stand next to Carson. "Beckett needs one too." He snapped his fingers.

"One's all you get, McKay. Don't wear her out."

A lovely strawberry blonde Marine stepped forward. "Docs," she said, grinning. She winked at Carson.

"Lt. Cadman," he said, nodding to her. She was one of the newer Marines. Carson had met her once or twice in passing, but didn't know her well. 

"Just don't let anything happen to us," Rodney told her as the Gate bloomed.

"Don't worry, McKay. I'll keep you safe." Her smile was bright as they stepped forward, into the puddle.

*** 

It was the same everywhere they looked. Huts still smoldering, Wraith-desiccated bodies here and there, things torn and toppled, abandoned everywhere in the villages and fields. Carson shook his head. "It's horrid," he said, "truly horrid."

They'd been on Tahanor for the better part of the day and had yet to find a single survivor, but at least they'd seen no sign of any remaining Wraith so far either. Rodney had been a bit subdued, and Lt. Cadman had been quite alert, though a bit solicitous of Carson when he thought about it. She'd been smiling and joking and teasing Rodney a bit. It had lightened Carson's mood a little, which hadn't been good considering the state of the planet and its people.

Finally, late in the afternoon, they started back toward the Gate. It was a quiet walk through the forest, interrupted only by Colonel Sheppard asking them if they'd found anyone. A few moments later, they found themselves out in a field filled with yellow blossoms. As they walked, Cadman made a casual swipe at the flowers. "So, maybe you should pick some wildflowers from around here. I think she'd get a kick out of that."

Carson was puzzled. "What are you talking about?" Rodney asked, and then Carson remembered Rodney asking to be reminded about his meeting with Dr. Brown.

"You've got a date tomorrow with Katie Brown, right?" Cadman said. So that's what it was about. Cadman was having Rodney on. Carson grinned. "She's a botanist. She never gets offworld, so..."

"What's this now?" Carson asked, trying to hold back his laughter.

"It's nothing, nothing," Rodney said, looking disturbed.

"You have a date, Rodney -- with a woman?"

Rodney's eyes snapped to him. "It's simply two adults sharing -- yes, with a woman!" When Carson and Cadman laughed, Rodney muttered, "Not a _date_ Carson." He shot Cadman a glare.

"Well," Cadman said, "she's all excited about it. Not sure why, though."

"How would you know?" Rodney snapped.

Cadman grinned. "Girls' poker night. I know a lot of things, McKay."

"I'm sure it's none of your business. This is an inappropriate field conversation." Rodney glowered at her. He started to say something when Cadman interrupted.

"What? I was just suggesting you might wanna pick some flowers." She shrugged and dropped the ones she'd grabbed.

Rodney started into her as an odd sound grew in the distance. "Yes, and maybe you should do your job, which is to protect us."

Cadman looked around sharply and snapped, "Shut up!"

Carson quieted and started looking about. "Shut up?" Rodney growled. "Let me tell you something--"

"Stop speaking!" Cadman barked. Rodney finally seemed to realize what was happening and froze, looking around him as well.

"Dart," Cadman said. Carson's heart took a leap into overdrive. There weren't supposed to be Wraith here. The planet had seemed empty. Cadman slapped her radio. "We have a Dart incoming." She gestured at him and Rodney. "Move it!"

They all started running across the field, trying to get back to the Gate before they were spotted. Carson didn't think they'd make it. The Dart screamed closer, swooping down on them and Cadman called out, "Scatter!" and shoved him. He wasn't expecting the push, and tumbled. "McKay," she shouted. She was reaching to push Rodney as well when the Dart's beam swept them both away.

Carson stared for a moment, in shock. Rodney was _gone_.

"Oh, bloody hell," he gasped, staggering to his feet. He ran for the Gate, panicked.

As the Dart sped toward the Gate, Carson could hear shots being fired. P90s were going off nearby, and then the ear-shattering report of an anti-tank weapon. Voices on his radio and Sheppard saying their cover would be blown and Rodney was _gone_. Out of breath, he bellowed, "Wait! McKay and Cadman have been beamed aboard that Dart!"

"We can't risk the Dart making it back to the Hiveship," Sheppard snapped. He opened fire, and Carson kept running, his lungs burning. The damaged Dart spun and flipped, suddenly careening toward Carson as he kept going.

"Oh, crap," Carson yelped. He turned to run away, but the Dart was nearly upon him. Throwing himself to the ground, the Dart skimmed over his head and he could feel the wind from its passing. It crashed only metres in front of him, throwing earth and broken parts everywhere, almost burying him.

Shocked, he looked up. The Dart was smoking there before him. He got to his hands and knees then staggered over to it. Rodney and Cadman were in there somewhere. There had to be some way to get them out. There had to.

Carson approached cautiously, pistol drawn. His hand didn't waver. The Dart's canopy vanished, revealing a grievously injured Wraith. Maybe it would be able to reverse the beam and give Rodney and Cadman back. Carson held out one hand, trying to be calming, though his heart was thundering with fear and anxiety. "I'm a doctor. I can help," he said.

The Wraith moved and a spray of bullets zipped past Carson. He ducked, shocked, as another volley tore by, making the creature jerk and fall silent. "What the hell d'ye think you're doing?" he shouted at Sheppard as the Colonel approached.

"It was reaching for the self-destruct," Sheppard said. He looked the Wraith over to make sure it was dead.

"He's the only one that can get McKay and Cadman out!" Carson was frantic. Now he'd never get Rodney back.

Sheppard just looked at him. "I seriously doubt he'd oblige."

"Well, we'll never know now, will we?" Carson was furious and on the verge of tears, but he held them back. Teyla came running up and asked if everyone was all right, but Carson barely heard any of it. The only thing that truly registered was that the Colonel was sending for Radek. If anyone could fix this, he'd be the one. Assuming the situation could be fixed at all, and Carson didn't want to believe Rodney and Lt. Cadman were gone forever.

Shaken and exhausted, Carson sank down next to the Dart and buried his face in his hands. "Oh, god," he murmured. "Rodney."

When Sheppard was done giving orders, he came and sat next to Carson. "I'm sorry, Doc. I couldn't let him set off the self-destruct. He'd have destroyed the Dart and killed you along with it. At least this way, we have some hope of getting McKay and Cadman out of there."

"You don't know that," Carson said softly. "You've no way of knowing that. What if Radek can't figure it out? What if it's too badly damaged? What... what if Wraith ships are like Jumpers and you have to be a Wraith to make 'em work?"

"We'll do everything we can." Sheppard put one hand on Carson's filthy shoulder and squeezed gently. "You know Zelenka's the next best thing to Rodney."

"I just wish Rodney were still here." Carson looked up at Sheppard. "It's not only me that'll suffer from his loss."

*** 

Rodney lay hooked up to sensors and electrodes as Carson examined scans of his brain and brainwave readouts. He'd not regained consciousness yet, though Carson felt lucky that the Colonel's random choice had given him Rodney back. There were reasons for concern, though. 

The brainwaves seemed bizarre, and Carson had no idea what effect this might have on Rodney when he woke. He was having difficulty understanding what the readings suggested, but it certainly wasn't anything akin to normal.

He was, at least, closer to consciousness than when Carson had rushed him through the Gate and into the infirmary. Aside from the odd brainwaves and the fact that he hadn't wakened yet, nothing else seemed wrong. There were no physical injuries. His heart rate and blood pressure were within his normal limits. His breathing was normal. The effects were similar to Wraith stunners, which made a certain amount of sense. They probably didn't want to deal with their food fighting back when the humans were rematerialized aboard the Hiveships.

Carson shuddered at the thought. He could so easily have lost Rodney in that momentary pulse of energy. Radek had assembled a team of engineers to transport the remains of the Dart to a lab and was currently at work trying to pull the storage pod from the ruined craft. Carson had no idea if their efforts to extract Lt. Cadman would work, but he prayed they would. She'd seemed a lovely lass, and she'd not hesitated to put her own life in danger to save his.

Dr. Weir had come by a little while ago to check on Rodney, and she'd promised him she would let him know immediately when Lt. Cadman was retrieved from the Dart. Carson was thankful that Radek's team was on the project.

*** 

The Dart was partly organic from what Radek could determine, but the transformer itself was definitely mechanical in nature. How to interface their equipment -- or the Ancient's -- with it was another question entirely, though. Radek sighed and pulled his glasses off, rubbing at tired eyes. 

Wen Lin Yao sorted through the transformer bits they'd pulled from the trashed machinery. She looked somber but didn't speak. Everyone was working fast and frantic. Who knew how much time they had to extract Lieutenant Cadman from the device? Would her patterns deteriorate if she were in there too long? Radek wished desperately for Rodney's presence, but he was still unconscious in the infirmary at last report.

Perhaps in a few hours Rodney might be awake again and able to at least consult on the process. From what Carson had said, the effects of the beam seemed most like a Wraith stunner blast. Radek went over the readings again, trying to understand how to best regulate the energy they would need to channel to trigger the rematerialization. 

Reverse engineering the transformer itself was crucial if they were to rematerialize the lieutenant. Radek was uncertain if any parts were missing, though he'd had them sweep the crash site with sensors and metal detectors to look for any possible missed pieces. It was worse than jigsaw puzzles by orders of magnitude, and a life was at risk if they were to get it wrong.

Hilde Schiffer was cursing in German as she tried to interface with the Dart systems. She was obviously having no luck at all. Their hopes of learning anything from the onboard systems were shrinking rapidly. Others were swarming over the Dart itself, trying to learn everything they could about the craft.

Radek wanted to go to the infirmary and see how Rodney was, but there was no time. If Rodney were conscious, perhaps he could offer suggestions from his bed, but he was sure Carson would have said something if that were so. Radek grumbled to himself and put his glasses back on, studying the schematic sketches he'd been able to put together from the transformer fragments so far. The power requirements were going to be excruciatingly precise.

Focus was what he needed. Radek forced everything else out of his mind.

*** 

The brainwaves were still very peculiar, but Rodney looked near ready to wake. It was odd, really. He had no way to interpret what was going on with them. Carson sat next to his bed just watching as his eyes moved beneath his lids.

"Come on, Rodney, wake up for me." He patted Rodney's wrist. 

Rodney's eyes opened, but he looked terribly confused.

"It's all right, love. You're safe, but Lieutenant Cadman's still stuck inside the bloody Dart."

"Stuck in... but I'm here," Rodney said. His voice had a peculiar timbre to it.

Carson nodded. "Aye. Radek got you out."

"But you said I was stuck in the Dart."

He shook his head, wondering if Rodney was still disoriented. "No, it's Lieutenant Cadman who's still stuck in the Dart, poor lass."

"But --" Rodney raised his hand and looked at it. "Oh no." There was a stricken expression on Rodney's face. "Oh no. This is... this is impossible."

"What do you mean? You've got some odd brainwave readings, but you should be all right."

"No, no, you don't understand." Rodney's eyes screwed shut and he covered his face with his hands. "I'm not Rodney. I'm Laura."

"Oh, no, Rodney, that doesn't sound good at all. I need to examine you more closely, I think. Something must have happened to you in the Dart."

"I'm stuck in McKay's body!" Admittedly, the squeak sounded nothing like Rodney usually did, even when he was panicking. Carson tilted his head and looked at Rodney.

"Rodney?"

"Laura. Lieutenant Laura Cadman, 073-99-1732," he said. "And I am seriously, seriously screwed if I'm stuck in McKay's body."

"Oh, dear," Carson said, feeling a wee bit faint. "That might explain the odd brainwaves I've been getting. And if Rodney's not here, we're going to have the devil of a time getting your body out of the Dart." His heart constricted in his chest. If Laura was in Rodney's body, where was Rodney?

*** 

Rodney sat in the infirmary bed playing peekaboo with Carson while Cadman's voice ranted in his head. This was bad. This was, in fact, very, very bad. If he didn't know better, he'd imagine it was some kind of sick, twisted nightmare.

Until he got her out of his head, life was going to suck in a truly monumental way.

*** 

"I don't know," Rod-- Lt. Cadman said. Elizabeth blinked. "It's... it's like I can feel some of his emotions, but I can't hear his thoughts or anything. I mean, I know I'm not the only one in here." Cadman tapped Rodney's temple.

Carson nodded, looking worried. "Aye. Two consciousnesses in one head; that might explain the strange brainwave readings I've been getting. I've not seen anything like it before. I don't know what we can do."

Kate Heightmeyer tilted her chair back a little. "I think we can try to communicate with Rodney through hypnosis, in something approaching the way that Teyla was able to communicate with the Wraith."

Elizabeth sighed. "So you're suggesting that we might be able to reach Rodney's subconscious?" It was all bad. None of them knew what to do or even what they were coping with. That Rodney was still in there somewhere seemed likely, but not particularly useful at the moment.

"There's no way of knowing," Kate said, "but it's worth a try. Without him, we're going to have a very difficult time extracting the lieutenant's body from the transformer and getting her back into it where she belongs."

Zelenka nodded. "I agree. We need Rodney's mind for this. He is able to make connections that come far more slowly for others." His brows were knit together, his forehead wrinkled with worry. "I do not know if I am capable of doing this without him."

"I have great faith in you, Dr. Zelenka," Elizabeth said. "You may be used to working with Rodney, but I've seen how you complete each other's sentences. I know your mind works in very similar ways. If he could do this, so can you." She reached out and laid her hand on his. "I know you'll do your best for him, and the team you've assembled is without equal. You've also reported that some progress has been made."

Zelenka sighed. "Yes, this is true. We have some idea of the power requirements. They are very precise. I do not know if we can modulate them properly so as not to damage equipment." He leaned forward, resting his chin on both hands. There was exhaustion in his eyes. "If we damage the equipment, we may damage the pattern buffer." He looked over at Cadman and she knew he saw Rodney. "If that happens, we may never get either of them back as they were."

Shock flickered over Cadman's face. It was different than Rodney's usual look of shock and buried much more quickly. Cadman in his body was so unlike him. Elizabeth felt like everything in her world was at some strange angle, like that campy old Batman series where the villains' lairs were all filmed off bead.

Unfortunately, there was nothing even slightly funny about this. She knew it had to be even worse for Carson. He simply sat there, hands clasped on the desk, looking lost. This wasn't something he could cure with gene therapy or surgery. Fear haunted his eyes. She hoped that between them, they would find a way to get Rodney back. Everyone needed him, Carson most of all.

"What can I do?" Cadman finally asked, looking at Kate.

"We'll set up for a hypnosis session, see if we can find him," Kate said. Cadman nodded, the gesture strangely feminine in Rodney's rumpled form.

"I'll get started on it." Carson stood and held out a hand to Cadman. "Come along, then--" He paused for a moment as though to continue with 'Rodney' then shook his head. "We'll need to prep you for the work."

Dr. Zelenka and Kate stayed for a few moments after Carson left with Cadman. "Keep an eye on him, Kate," Elizabeth said. Kate nodded.

"I should get back to the lab," Zelenka said softly. Elizabeth laid a brief touch on his shoulder.

"You'll figure this out," she said. "You can do this." She hoped she believed it.

*** 

Sheppard watched as Ronon Dex sparred with the Marines. The man was good. He was damned good, in fact. One of the best he'd ever seen, really, and that was saying a lot these days. After all, he had Teyla to compare this guy to. And Dex had survived seven years on the run from the Wraith. That was a hell of an accomplishment any way you looked at it.

He probably knew seventy-three ways to kill a Wraith with a pencil.

This was a skill set that Atlantis desperately needed. The guy obviously didn't have a home to go back to. Sheppard wondered if he might seriously consider the suggestion to stick around. He didn't know from Satedans, but Dex was military. Chances are he'd fit in on some level. Didn't seem to matter what service you were in -- the idea was the same. Shoot things, get shot at, stand in front of the civilians when harm came along. Pretty simple, really.

Talking to Elizabeth about it with the whole Cadman stuck in Rodney's body thing might not be very good timing, but he'd have to do it at some point. Maybe after dinner.

*** 

Rodney was busy screaming at Dr. Fumbles McStupid while Cadman yammered on in his head. God, he hated her right now.

Hell, he hated everyone right now, and if he never saw the inside of an infirmary again, it would be too soon. Zelenka's lame excuses about Wraith interfaces and power fluctuations were unbelievably infantile.

"Rodney -- _Rodney_!" Cadman's voice was shrill.

"Yes, what!" Rodney bellowed. Everyone stared at him. The situation deteriorated rapidly and he knew he sounded insane. Angry, he left the makeshift lab in the hangar arguing with Cadman in his head.

When he literally bumped into Katie Brown, he was flustered. Cadman kept trying to give him advice, and he had no idea what to do. Nothing felt right. He had some kind of a date with her, but he couldn't remember why. He was sort of looking forward to it, though.

He really didn't want to have to deal with Cadman trying to teach him all about women. All he needed to know was that they had tits and sometimes he got laid. Brown wasn't blond but she was a botanist. That probably qualified her as dumb.

"This is hell," Rodney growled, "my own personal hell!"

Cadman was being far too smug.

*** 

"Now, just relax," Kate said gently. Carson hovered nearby, unable to keep himself from worrying. He'd got the impression from Laura that she didn't realize he and Rodney were living together, but she was one of the new people, and it wasn't exactly an everyday topic of conversation.

Having her in Rodney's body was so hard, particularly after he'd realized she'd been flirting with him. With everything going on, it wasn't like he could exactly say, 'oh, and by the way, you're in my lover's body.' His gut ached and his head wasn't far behind.

If he didn't handle the situation appropriately, if he slipped up, Laura might misinterpret his concern for Rodney as an attraction to her. He wondered if he shouldn't hand this case over to Anand just to be on the safe side.

Laura shifted Rodney's body on the bed, trying to get comfortable. "I'm ready," she said. She looked up at Kate. "What do I do?"

"I want you to close your eyes and breathe deeply," Kate told her. "Just let yourself relax and tell me what you feel."

Rodney's eyes closed. "You mean physically or... or emotionally?" Laura asked.

"Either," Kate said. "Tell me anything you think is relevant."

Laura nodded. "Okay." She took a few deep breaths, Rodney's body loosening, shoulders relaxing. His face settled, going slack.

"Go down," Kate murmured. "Go down into the deepest part of your mind. See if you can separate what you're feeling from what Rodney's feeling. Can you sense any difference?"

"Yeah." Laura's voice was different from Rodney's: softer, more tentative. It was so strange to hear him speak like this. There was an odd lilt to it. "I can -- he's... he's angry and frustrated. He's... I'm not sure what's happening. He's very confused."

"What else are you getting?" Kate made a few notes on her datapad.

Laura was silent for a long moment, Rodney's body tensing slightly. Carson could tell she was trying to focus. "I... Something's just not quite right. I'm not sure. I don't know what's going on. It's like he's not aware of... of this. Of us."

"He's unconscious," Carson said. "There's no reason he'd be aware of what's happening."

"But if he's unconscious," Kate said, "why is he projecting feelings of anger, frustration and confusion?"

"I don't know." Carson shook his head. "I don't understand any of this." The brainwaves on the Ancient monitors were still very strange. He compared the readout to a record of Laura's brainwaves from her time at the SGC, trying to figure out what was happening. It was going to take some time.

"Can you get a sense of what he's worrying about?" Kate asked.

Laura huffed, frustrated. "I don't know. He's just... he's... I think he knows we're in the same body."

"How can you tell?" Kate made more notes as Carson scrutinized the brainwave patterns in both readouts.

"It's just a feeling, really. Just some weird sense that... maybe we're sharing some kind of link. I don't know. I've never been in somebody else's body before."

Kate sighed. "It's okay, Laura. Just breathe and relax. There's no rush here. Take your time."

The knot in Carson's gut tightened further. Something was jangling at the back of his mind. Something from SGC records. "Kate, if you don't mind," he said softly, "I need to go look at something. I think I might have an idea."

She nodded and waved a hand at him. "I think I can handle it. Go. See if it makes any sense. Anything will help at this point."

He headed for the central records office down in Admin.

*** 

Sheppard's head was on Dex's shoulder as he stared through the massive hole in the target. Now _that_ was a gun. Just thinking about it gave him a warm shiver of delight. Man, he wanted a weapon like that. Ray guns. All his science fiction geek dreams come true.

He could so stand to have this guy around. Maybe he could get Rodney to reverse engineer something like -- well, after they got Rodney's brain back where it belonged, anyway. Because that was going to happen.

It had to happen.

Nothing would be right if they couldn't get Rodney back. No amount of man-mountain with a ray gun would make up for a missing Rodney McKay. Even if that man-mountain was probably the deadliest thing in the Pegasus galaxy.

He'd have to find a way to persuade Elizabeth to let him keep Dex. Then again, she'd probably make him responsible for feeding and walking him. And cleaning up after him.

It would be cool though. Sort of like having a pet mountain lion. With a ray gun. Couldn't forget the ray gun. Because ray guns? Were just cool. Really, really cool.

He wondered how a guy who didn't know from forks could have a ray gun. Those Satedans must have been kinda weird.

*** 

Radek shook his head, angry with himself. Nothing was working. The patched together interfaces between Earth, Ancient and Wraith technology were a sucking black hole of confusion. Half the team was ready to tear their hair out. Lin Yao was close to tears with her frustration, unable to keep the power stream modulated properly, no matter what she did. The naquadah generator's power stream wasn't precise enough, and it seemed like nothing would stabilize it.

They were nowhere near ready to do any kind of experimentation. They'd already blown one jerry-rigged transformer, just having turned the thing on. Mice were going to have to wait. There was no way he was ready to try anything organic in the system.

His team was working brilliantly, but it wasn't enough. He wasn't sure how much longer Cadman's pattern would remain stable in its stasis state, but he thought they might be dealing in days or hours rather than weeks. It wasn't enough time.

If they couldn't get Cadman's body out of the Dart, she and Rodney would share a body permanently. That could only be bad. Rodney was barely sane on his best days. Having to share his body with someone -- with a military woman -- was likely to leave both of them gibbering within a week.

Something had to go their way. Luck was so often Rodney's last-minute companion. Surely it couldn't fail him now.

*** 

Rodney was sure they had it. "All right, let's give this bad boy a try." He gestured at Schiffer. "Start her up and slowly ease her into it."

"No, no, no, no!" Radek shouted. "It's not ready. Some of these calculations are not right!"

"Maybe you just don't understand them," Rodney snipped. Some days Zelenka was dumber than a box of rocks. Schiffer started the system up, and things exploded all around them. Rodney whirled and yelled, "What the hell happened?"

"We started it up," Schiffer said. She glared at him from behind her glasses.

Rodney was losing what little patience he had. "I _said_ slowly ease her into it!"

"I was at three percent," Schiffer growled.

Rodney and Radek had a brief shouting match, but Rodney knew in his gut that Radek was doing his best. And he was right -- Rodney himself was the one fucking up. It was that bitch Cadman in his head, distracting him. Nothing was right. He couldn't think, couldn't focus. Something was missing or off, but for the life of him, Rodney couldn’t place what else was wrong. He headed back to his quarters, wondering if sleep would help. Maybe it would at least get Cadman to shut the fuck up.

*** 

"Elizabeth." Carson strode into her office holding his datapad.

"Yes, Carson?" She gestured to the seat before her desk. "Do you have any news?"

Carson sighed as he sat in front of her. "No new developments, but I did find something in the SGC records that might have some bearing on what's happening and why Lieutenant Cadman's brainwaves are so odd." He set the pad down and rested his elbows on her desk.

"What did you find?" She took a sip from her mug. Carson could smell the coffee from where he sat. His stomach twinged. He'd not been able to eat much since Rodney had been sucked into the Wraith Dart. The stress was already taking its toll on his digestion.

"There was an incident a few years ago with Dr. Jackson," he said. "Apparently while on an offworld mission, SG-1 encountered a crashed space ship. While they were on the ship, about thirty alien consciousnesses were somehow implanted in Dr. Jackson's mind. His own personality was... repressed in some way. Some of the other personalities came to the surface, but at first they weren't aware of each other. Eventually, they started blending, and Dr. Jackson's condition began to deteriorate." He took a deep breath.

"That doesn't sound good," Elizabeth said.

He shook his head. "No, it doesn't bode well at all for what's happened with Rodney and Laura. I'm concerned that Rodney really is in there, trapped, and that they'll go mad if there's no way to get Laura back into her body."

"Dr. Zelenka is doing everything he can. His team has been working on the transformer and a source to power it since the Dart was brought back."

"But there's been no real progress," Carson said sadly. "I stopped by to ask Radek just before I came here. The naquadah generators aren't a stable enough power source, he said." Carson shook his head. It ached. "I don't know what to do," he said softly.

Elizabeth reached across the table and put her hand over his. "This must be very hard for you." The sympathy in her voice ached inside him.

"It is." Carson had to struggle to keep his voice from cracking. "I'm thinking of assigning Anand to this." He pulled his hand away from hers. "I don't know how to face..." He couldn't continue. Seeing his lover's face with someone else behind those blue eyes was too hard.

"We'll find a way," Elizabeth said softly. "Perhaps, though, you might consider talking to Kate for a little while."

"We don't have time," he said. "We have to find a way to get Laura back in her body. I'm concerned that we've seen nothing from Rodney yet. He's such a strong personality, I have to wonder what's happening to him, all buried inside like that."

"In that case, you should probably get back. I'm sure you've got some theories you need to work on."

"Aye, I do. I just wanted you to know what was happening. I need to run some tests and talk to Anand." He rose and headed back to the infirmary.

*** 

"I can't do this."

Laura could hear Carson talking to Dr. Chandrapurna in the office just across the room. Carson's voice was shaky.

"It's all right," Chandrapurna said. "We all understand. I'm surprised you did not ask one of us to take over as soon as we had Rodney stabilized."

"I thought... I thought perhaps he was just stunned. It's not near so bad for the minor things, but this -- Anand, what if he's gone? What if we can never get him back?"

There were undercurrents here she wasn't certain of. Obviously, not getting McKay back was a problem, but why was Carson taking it so personally? She could feel the undertones of McKay's emotions rising inside her. He was frustrated and angry, though she couldn't pinpoint why. It grew stronger every hour that she inhabited his body.

Now and then she'd get a flash of something, but she could never quite tell what. The images passed too quickly, like something in a dream. There were snippets of faces, odd bits of technology. Nothing that Laura could place. None of it made any sense.

She wished Carson would come back. She liked him a lot and really rather hoped that after this mess blew over, he might consider seeing her. Laura hadn't seen him dating any of the other women. He was pretty hot, really, for a civilian. Maybe a little out of shape, but she could fix that. And that accent -- she really did have a weakness for a guy with a cool accent.

Carson and Chandrapurna were talking about tests now, but Laura had no idea what most of them were. They probably involved being hooked up to mildly scary medical things. 

There was a spike of fear in her gut and she curled in on herself. She knew it wasn't hers. What the hell was going on with McKay? Fear and fury mixed, and she got the distinct sense of a fight going on. 

The next thing Laura knew, Carson and Chandrapurna were beside her. "Are you all right?" Carson asked.

She gasped and nodded, trying to unknot herself. "Yeah, yeah. Just... damn. It's getting worse. Whatever the hell is going on in there, McKay seems really upset."

The two doctors looked at each other. "It's as I'd feared," Carson said quietly. He turned to her. "Laura, we really need to do some more tests. I've given Dr. Chandrapurna here some instructions and I'll be continuing research on what's happening, but I feel it's best for all of us if I leave your care in his hands for the moment." He looked terribly upset and Chandrapurna patted his shoulder.

"Go, Carson. I can take care of them from here." 

Carson nodded, giving her one last, miserable glance, and left.

"What was that all about?" she asked.

Chandrapurna took her pulse and noted the readings from the different monitors on her chart. "He believes that if you are not returned to your own body soon, there may be serious complications."

"No, no, not that," she said, though she was certainly worried about any potential 'serious complications. "I mean, why did he turn this over to you? I'd think he'd want to be in charge of McKay's health. He's the most important geek on the expedition, after all. Not like the CMO can afford to let somebody else take care of the guy."

Chandrapurna gave her an odd look. "You have been here almost two months, yes?" Laura nodded. "I'm surprised you didn't know."

"Know what?" Now her curiosity was all up. 

"Dr. Beckett and Dr. McKay are engaged to be married." Laura blinked in disbelief. Chandrapurna gave her a sympathetic look. "I hope you are not too troubled by this. I was told that the new expedition members were all informed that we had same sex couples on Atlantis --"

"Yeah," Laura said, not able to help the sound of bitterness in her voice. "But I never thought -- I mean, Beckett and McKay?" She couldn't understand it. "McKay? Of everybody on the expedition and a sweet guy like him is getting married to McKay?"

"They have been together for quite some time," Chandrapurna said. "It has been very hard for him, seeing someone else in Dr. McKay's body."

"Well damn. Why the hell can't they come with 'off limits' signs or something." Laura had to let this sink in. "Damn it. Why do all the good ones have to be gay?"

Chandrapurna shook his head. "I'm sorry, Lt. Cadman. I had no idea you were interested in Dr. Beckett. I... if you had mentioned it to anyone, you would no doubt have been told." He sounded genuinely sorry, but Laura didn't want sympathy. She'd already had the emotional equivalent of a cold shower. And she definitely didn't want to think about Carson getting it on with the guy whose body she was stuck in. It was just too cruel.

She hated her life.

"Let's get you ready for the tests," Chandrapurna said.

With a sigh, Laura nodded. Her gut was all knotted up. No wonder McKay was in such a pissy mood. If he couldn't get out of his own head to see his boyfriend...

Yep. Life sucked.

*** 

Things were so fucked. Kate Heightmeyer had made him sit down and let Cadman come out to play, and now she was staging a hostile coup. Messing with his head, running around while he was sleeping -- and god only knew what she'd been doing to his body when he wasn't looking! It was terrible.

She'd gone off on him while he'd been talking to Katie Brown, trying to tell him he knew nothing about women. He knew plenty about women. He was only nervous because Cadman was breathing over his shoulder. Well, okay, technically she was breathing with his lungs, but that was beside the point. She was driving him insane.

He could make his own date, thank you very much, but nothing was going right. He was stumbling around his words, unable to focus on anything, and if he were to let himself admit it without actually saying anything aloud where the bitch could hear it, he was terrified.

Aside from the whole somebody else in his brain thing, the world felt off. It wasn't something he could put his finger on, though he wished like hell he could. The longer this went on, the worse it got. Last night he'd had the strangest dreams, and none of them made any sense.

Of course, when he showed up at Katie's quarters only to find Carson there before him, he knew it had to have been Cadman who'd invited him. Rodney certainly hadn't done it!

Everything was feeling way too weird. He felt strange when he looked at Carson. It was probably Cadman, because that felt disturbingly like desire when he looked over at his friend. And Katie? Oh god, he was so falling over himself when he tried to say anything.

It was almost a relief when Cadman took over and planted one on Katie without his cooperation. There was no way he was going to make it through this whole thing, even half drunk from downing the wine in one long go. Everything around him only served to make him more confused and stressed out.

Carson looked even more uncomfortable than Rodney felt, and when Cadman kept control of his body and dashed out of the room, Rodney was furious. He should be the one to make the decisions about what his body did, damn it! 

And that thing with Carson? What the hell was that all about? Obviously Cadman wanted him bad. He could feel it in his blood. The fact that it was his body responding was disturbing. He was half-hard and it wasn't about Katie. He had to go straighten things out, apologize to Katie for bolting.

"Give me back my body," he shouted, struggling with Cadman for control. "We have to go back!"

"And do what?" Cadman snarked. "I bet that was the most honest you've ever been with a girl, and it wasn't even you."

"Why are you doing this?" He really wanted to know. Nothing made a damned bit of sense, and she fought like a lion to take him over.

"We're just trying to do too much too fast, McKay." Yeah, she just didn't want to be in his head when he got Katie in bed. That had to be it.

Rodney grabbed for control again. "We should -- we should go back."

"Nope."

This was infuriating. "All right, rock paper scissors. I'm the left hand, you're the right." He paused, waiting for something that wasn't coming. "Cadman!"

"Fine," she snorted. They held his hands out in front of him, displaying the results. "Yay! Paper beats rock! We leave!"

"No, we--" Cadman slapped him. " _Ow_!"

"Get a hold of yourself, man," Cadman snarled.

He was in hell -- his own personal hell. Fortunately, hell was interrupted by Zelenka on the comms and he ran down to the hangar to see what Radek had come up with.

He didn't spend much time in the hangar. Radek and Cajun Blackened Mice were not his idea of a great way to put Cadman back in her own damned body. It was time for another visit to Heightmeyer.

They fought all the way to Kate's office. Every moment left him more convinced that something was very wrong. The woman in his head was bizarre enough, but there were things... bleeding through that made no sense. He was having feelings he was sure weren't his own. Thoughts about Carson were intruding in ways he didn't quite get. There were flashes of Carson naked, in bed with him, and he knew he'd never slept with the man.

It was all profoundly disturbing and it was all her fault. Cadman was probably having obscene fantasies with his brain. God, he so didn't need this. He should be down in the hangar, working with Radek to get her out of his head.

Underneath it all was a gnawing feeling of something missing. Something was so badly out of place that reality was starting to feel bent. Rodney could feel his blood pressure skyrocketing. If this kept up, he'd be lucky if he didn't have a stroke.

Heightmeyer tried to get them both calmed down, but nothing worked. Cadman refused to apologize and they finally broke down in a screaming match. The last thing he remembered was his head exploding.

*** 

It had been nearly two days, and Carson was at the end of his rope. Radek hadn't been to bed, and the rest of his team was just as exhausted. Everyone involved was running on adrenaline. 

Anand kept Carson updated on Rodney and Laura's condition. Around mid-day he got a call while he was working in his lab. "Can you come to the infirmary?" Anand asked. "Lt. Cadman is asking to speak with you."

"Right enough," Carson said, dreading the meeting.

She was sitting up in bed when he arrived. "Carson," she said. It didn't even properly sound like Rodney, and that was still a shock every time he heard her use his voice.

"What can I do for you, Lieutenant?" He stood next to her, shifting his weight from foot to foot.

"Something's very wrong," she said. Rodney -- no, Laura looked pale and shaky. "He's furious. I don't know what's going on, but I'm not sure I can separate what's me from what's him anymore." Her voice was trembling and his body with it. "I get these... these flashes, like I'm seeing things he's seeing, but it's nothing like what's going on here. I don't know where it's coming from or what's happening, but it must be him."

Anand was close by, keeping an eye on the monitors, and on Carson as well. "I am considering sedating her," he said. "She has reported a severe headache and her blood pressure is very high. I'm concerned there might be a risk of stroke."

"What is it you're seeing?" Carson asked. He needed to know how Rodney was, what was happening to him. "Can you tell me anything about what's happening to him?"

"Mostly just confused images," she said. Rodney's hands waved, but it wasn't his gestures. "Dinner with Katie, but you were there too. A fight in a hallway. He's in Dr. Heightmeyer's --"

Rodney's body convulsed, suddenly in violent motion. Carson and Anand both grabbed him, trying to keep him from falling off the bed and hurting himself as he shuddered and jerked. Anand bellowed for a nurse and medications and let Carson roll Rodney onto his side. As Rodney shuddered, Carson held his head in case he vomited.

"Rodney!" Carson shouted, not caring if his lover could hear. It couldn't end like this. He couldn't let Rodney die without speaking to him again.

Anand and Shel Tuchman moved, fast and furious, working to get Rodney's seizure under control. Anand injected medication into the IV and Carson held on as carefully as he could until Rodney went limp, unconscious. He stepped back, his own body trembling. His head was spinning and Shel pressed him into a chair then went back to work.

Carson could only stare, his heart thundering, and stay out of the way.

*** 

She remembered kissing someone. Lips on hers, soft and warm.

It was bizarre, because part of her was aware she'd been in the infirmary for days. She couldn't have kissed anyone.

Katie. She'd kissed Katie Brown. Or McKay had kissed her, but what the hell did that mean, and why did she remember doing it?

Katie.

Sweet and -- oh god.

Her head hurt. Actually, everything hurt. Her chest ached. It was hard to breathe. Her eyes didn't want to open.

She was in McKay's body. Shit.

"So, you are with us again." Dr. Chandrapurna's voice was quiet and concerned. Laura opened her eyes. The lighting was low.

"What happened?" God, it was so disturbing to hear McKay's voice when she spoke. She was never going to get used to it. She hoped she'd never have to.

His dark eyes lowered and he put a hand on her wrist. "You had a seizure. It was very bad, I'm afraid."

Laura looked around. "Where's Dr. Beckett?"

"Nurse Tuchman is with him in the waiting room. He was very upset."

She wished it was her situation he was upset about, but she knew now that it was actually McKay's condition that worried him most. The regret she felt was sharper than she'd expected. The bleed-over from McKay was getting worse. She could feel McKay's fear and his frantic need to _do_ something despite the fact he felt awful. 

"What's the prognosis?" She held her breath for the answer.

"It is too soon to say, but it appears that your condition is deteriorating fairly rapidly. If we do not get you back into your own body..." He hesitated, obviously not wanting to tell her the bad news.

"We're going to die," she finished. "Right?"

Chandapurna nodded. "Yes. That is entirely possible."

Laura looked toward the door to the ward. She couldn't see Carson or Tuchman. This had to be horrible for him. The idea of anyone being in love with McKay made her brain ache, though she knew Katie was attracted to him, but the thought of Carson losing someone he loved hurt. Never mind that she was likely to die too. It was all too damned strange. 

She was going to die. There was a spark of terror in her that told her Rodney knew it too, somehow. She could feel it as surely as she felt her own breath. The certain knowledge that pervaded the flesh and bones she inhabited made her shake.

Chandrapurna's hands were on her shoulders now. "Lie back and rest," he insisted. "Stressing yourself now will only speed up the deterioration."

"Zelenka's got nothing?" she said.

"I don't know," Chandrapurna said. "I have not heard anything yet."

"Look," she said, "I think I really should write to my parents. I need to... to tell them at least some of this. I mean--"

"I know," Chandrapurna said. "I shall get you a datapad so you can write to them."

"Next time somebody goes back home through the Gate, I'd like them to carry it along. Maybe... maybe Dr. Beckett can take it to them." She lowered her eyes to the screen, fingers picking out the words to her parents and the rest of her family, trying to tell them that she loved them, that she missed them. 

Laura wrote for about half an hour, and finally looked up. She sighed and stretched a little, resting her eyes. Chandrapurna was gone. It was much quieter than she expected. Carson was dozing in a chair next to her bed.

With a sigh, Laura looked back at her letter, intending to proof it. Her head hurt again, like it had before the seizure. She wondered if another was on the way, and hoped that Dr. Zelenka would come up with something soon.

There were strange things on the pad. This wasn't what she'd written. The letter was nowhere to be seen. Instead, the writing shocked her, cold and pure. The Gate. Crystals. Power modulation. There were equations everywhere, and she _knew_ these weren't her words. She'd never seen an equation like that in her life. "Oh, god," she said. "It's... fuck. McKay. He's got the answer." There was a tightness in her chest, a frantic feeling of urgency flowing through her veins like ice.

She looked over at Carson. Somebody had to look at this -- preferably somebody who had a clue. "Carson," she said. She reached out and swatted his shoulder. He startled awake.

"Rodney?" There was confusion in his eyes for a moment, and then they shuttered. "Lt. Cadman," he said softly.

She held up the data pad in front of him. "I don't know what the hell just happened, but I think we got a message from McKay."

He blinked at her then looked at the pad. His eyes widened and he took it from her, looking more closely. A moment later, he slapped his radio. "Radek!" he snapped. "I think we've got something!"

*** 

Elizabeth entered the infirmary, uncertain of what she'd find. Dr. Chandrapurna had given her periodic updates, but things had taken a turn for the worse in the last six hours.

There had been three seizures already, and Chandrapurna was concerned that another would be fatal. 

Carson was sitting next to the bed looking worn and exhausted. Rodney -- no, Lt. Cadman -- was mumbling, almost incoherent. It was quiet and disjointed, like a shattered dialogue. Carson looked up.

"Elizabeth." 

"How are you doing, Carson?" She pulled up a chair and sat with him, looking him in the eyes.

He sighed softly, hesitating for a moment. She waited, and eventually he said, "Not that well, really." He turned his eyes to Rodney, reaching out but stopping himself before his hand made contact, his fingers curling in on themselves. "I can't tell which of them it is anymore. Sometimes I think it's Rodney, but... I can't tell. If it is, he's not... he's not coherent. I think he believes he's helping Radek."

"Well it appears that he got through at least to some extent. I mean, didn't he write those equations? That information about the Gate crystal that you sent down to Dr. Zelenka?" Elizabeth rested a hand on Carson's wrist.

Carson nodded. "I think so, at least to some extent. It certainly wasn't Lt. Cadman. She doesn't have the necessary knowledge to have written the equations. And Anand said she'd asked to write a letter home to her parents." His eyes were fixed on Rodney's face. "I'm goin' to lose him," he whispered.

"Dr. Zelenka said he's getting closer," Elizabeth said. She squeezed, but Carson didn't look at her.

"If he seizes again, it's like to be all for him. Anand has him on anti-seizure meds, but we're not sure if they'll work."

"Carson." Rodney -- or was it Lt. Cadman -- looked over at him.

"Aye," Carson said softly. "Do you need anything?" Elizabeth could see the misery radiating from him.

"I want this to be over. I just want it done with."

"Radek's working hard as he can," Carson told him. He reached out and touched Rodney's hand for just a moment, pain in his eyes. "It'll all be over soon." The despair in his voice told its own story.

Rodney's eyes closed. "I love you."

Carson's face crumbled in on itself and she could see him grit his teeth. "I love you, Rodney." His voice was strained and harsh. Rising, he hurried from the room.

Elizabeth followed him into his office, standing behind him as he leaned over his desk, his arms shaking as they bore his weight. "I'm sorry, Carson."

"I don't know which of them it is, Elizabeth. There's no way to tell anymore. It may well be both of them, but... but how can I touch him when she's in there too?" He paused, taking a deep breath, and turned his face to her over his shoulder. "I can't even begin to tell you what this is like, seeing him and not knowing which of them it really is. All I can do is hope that Radek's goin' to carry out Rodney's plan before another seizure hits. It'll be the death of them. It's a matter of hours at best."

She rested a hand on Carson's shoulder. It was so hard seeing him like this. Most of the time, he was so strong and steady. To see him so vulnerable was painful, and she knew there was nothing she could do to help. It was all in the hands of Radek and his team now. Whether Rodney and Lt. Cadman lived or died depended entirely on whether Rodney's scheme would work and how long it took for the tech team to implement it.

"Radek said it should only be another hour or so," she finally said.

He sighed and nodded. "I just pray that it's soon enough."

*** 

The mice weren't toasty this time, and Sheppard was glad of that. By all reports, Rodney didn't have much time left before his brain exploded, taking Cadman with it. He didn't need to lose either of them, but Rodney's loss would be a blow to the entire damned city. Not to mention what it would do to Beckett -- now that would be ugly.

He watched as Beckett helped Rodney -- or was it Cadman right now? -- into the lab. Everyone was gathered around, hardly daring to hope that this would actually work. How often did somebody send technical instructions through automatic writing, really? It was only the fact that McKay was so fucking brilliant and the mouse trial had been a success that gave him any hope. After all, who the hell could tell if a mouse still had its own personality?

The other thing that made him nervous about the experiment was the fact that they'd beamed two mice in and two mice out. There hadn't been any intermediate brain-mixage. Nobody would know for sure if this worked until Zelenka pushed the button.

It all felt a little too much like some electric-chair scene in a prison movie for his tastes.

Rodney teetered in front of the jerry-rigged contraption for a moment then raised a finger. Zelenka paused, surprised, and Rodney wobbled over to Beckett, grabbing him by his lab coat. He dragged Beckett in for a ferocious but close-mouthed kiss.

He'd always thought Rodney was a bit awkward, but that was weird even for him. Had to have been Cadman, he thought. Then again, right now there was no way of knowing. Chandrapurna and Heightmeyer had pretty much been convinced that the two of them were sharing some kind of pervy Vulcan mind meld in there.

All Sheppard could think was that it must have been hell on Carson. Okay, and that it really might have been kinda hot if it wasn't so weird.

Life in Atlantis was professionally weird.

There was a flash and a _zort_ and Rodney vanished. Zelenka and the other scientists flailed around for a minute, just like they had with the mice, then Zelenka hit the switch again.

Rodney and Cadman appeared. They stood frozen for a moment and then both of them went down hard, hitting the deck with a serious thud.

Beckett and the med team rushed forward, checking them both out. "They're alive," Beckett said, relief in his voice. "Now we just have to wait until they wake to see if there's any permanent damage, and if they're both in their own bodies again."

Sheppard hoped like hell they were.

*** 

He was terribly disoriented when he woke. At first he wasn't sure Cadman was out of his head, and everyone's reactions were a bit off, considering what all had happened.

Then again, Rodney wasn't entirely sure what had happened, except that everyone agreed Cadman had hijacked his body. The rest of it -- well, quite frankly, he wasn't sure he was entirely sane.

Carson was downright twitchy, and for a few minutes that made no sense at all, until Rodney remembered that he was going to be marrying the man.

Why in hell had everyone been acting like they weren't together? For that matter, why hadn't Rodney remembered they were living together?

The debriefing made it clear that nothing he'd experienced had been real. Except for the seizures. Those had been real enough to nearly kill him.

"Was I hooked up to the Wraith Psychic Friends Network?" he asked when Carson brought him home. "Because, really, I don't know what the hell was going on in my head the past few days. I swear to you, I had no idea that we were living together."

Carson gave him a sad look but didn't say anything. He sat heavily at the table and buried his face in his hands.

"I can't believe how people were acting while she was in my body," Rodney continued, not sure what was going on. "And the way she just took over and acted like she had a right to do anything she wanted with _my_ skin and bones--" He paused. "Carson?"

Carson looked up. "Rodney," he said softly, "I don't know what was happening to you while she was in there, but in all likelihood it was some kind of a dream or... or a hallucination." He swallowed. "All I know is, from everything you've said, I wasn't... I wasn't a part of your life there, and I don't know what to make of that."

Rodney was stunned. It hadn't occurred to him that Carson might find the whole thing hurtful. "But... but what if it wasn't me controlling my thoughts? I mean, in that... reality or whatever the hell it was, Cadman was after you. Really, she took over my body and dragged you into my date with Brown just to have you there. She was... I mean..." God, it sounded worse every time he opened his mouth, and Carson looked like something in him was about to fracture.

"I'm sorry," Rodney whispered. He went to Carson and put his arms around him. "It wasn't intentional. I wasn't deliberately trying to write you out of my life. I swear."

One of Carson's hands gripped Rodney's arm, fingers tightening painfully. "Are you... are you sure you want to be with me? I mean--"

"Of course I want to be with you," Rodney snapped. "Are you some kind of idiot? Or perhaps I'm just hallucinating that I'm the one who asked you to marry me."

Carson's fingers pressed into his flesh even harder. "I don't know anymore, Rodney. From what we saw, only Lt. Cadman was able to come through. You... you never even opened your eyes. You never spoke to me. I thought... I thought I'd lost you." Carson's voice cracked and he took a deep breath. "I shouldn't think ill of you because of this. You... you weren't yourself, quite literally."

"Obviously." Rodney tugged a chair over with his foot and sat down, his arms still around Carson. "I feel like crap. Can we... I mean, is it all right if we try to get some sleep? I feel like I've been run over by a Hiveship."

Carson nodded. "Forgive me," he whispered. "The last few days have been... I can't describe to you what it's been like to see _her_ in your body. To know that you weren't behind your own eyes." He let his fingers loosen a bit. "Her voice -- it was your voice, but it wasn't. She... she didn't move like you or sound like you, but it was your face and your hands and..." He trailed off, his body trembling slightly.

"Come on," Rodney said, his voice soft. "Let's go to bed, okay?" He stood, tugging Carson to his feet. "Come on."

"Right enough," Carson said. He followed Rodney into the bedroom. Rodney started shedding his clothes, but Carson just stood, staring at him.

"Carson?"

"It's... it really is you, isn't it?" Carson asked, hesitant. It was the hesitation that nearly broke Rodney's heart.

"It's really me, Carson." He took Carson's wrist and pulled him to the bed. "Come on. Get undressed."

Carson tugged his clothing off, leaving it in a pile on the floor rather than putting it in the laundry, as he usually did. Silently, he tucked himself into bed and watched as Rodney climbed in with him.

It wasn't until Rodney wrapped himself around Carson that his lover finally broke. Carson's arms enveloped him, his breathing ragged. "I couldn't trust myself," he said softly. "Every time I looked at her, it was all wrong. I wanted to touch you, but I knew it wasn't... it wasn't you. It was so wrong."

Rodney could think of nothing to say to that, so he just held Carson closer. "It's me now," he said after a long moment of awkward silence. "I'm back, okay? This is all me. Nobody else is in here."

"When... that last moment, when you... she... I-I don't even know which of you it was that kissed me," Carson stammered.

Rodney raised an eyebrow. "Kissed you?"

Carson gave a distressed sigh. "It was her, then."

"What the hell was _she_ doing, kissing you?" The bitch had been trying to make a move on his fiancé when he wasn't there to do anything about it? Killing her would be too damned kind.

"I've no idea." Carson clung to him, face buried in his neck. "I don't think I want to know. I wish it had been you."

"So do I," Rodney said. He sighed and kissed the top of Carson's head, the familiar, spiky hair tickling his nose.

"I love you, Rodney." Carson nuzzled at Rodney's shoulder, kissing him gently. Rodney shivered a little, snuggling into him. He could hear the pain in Carson's words.

"It's okay," he whispered, kissing Carson again. He drew Carson's face up and kissed his mouth carefully. Carson took a deep, sudden breath and kissed back desperately, his need clear in his every move.

Rodney relaxed into it, letting Carson take what he needed. What both of them needed, if Rodney was honest with himself. Whatever the hell had happened to him had left him feeling more than a little shaken himself and he needed Carson as much as Carson seemed to need him. Sex was unlikely to happen unless his body suddenly stopped aching like a son of a bitch, but kissing -- oh yeah, he could totally get behind the whole kissing thing.

Rolling onto his back, he let Carson cover him with his body. Carson's kisses deepened, his hands moving on Rodney's body as though assuring himself that Rodney was really there. He was moaning softly into Rodney's mouth, skin warm against Rodney's. It felt wonderful, and Rodney couldn't imagine how he could possibly forget he was in love with this man.

Carson moved against him and Rodney wrapped one leg around him, letting Carson slip between his thighs. He was hard against Rodney's body and Rodney made soft, needy sounds of his own, reveling in the contact.

Carson's kisses quickened, his lips moving on Rodney's. "It's you, thank god, it's you," he whispered, their lips touching between each phrase. Rodney's fingers curled through Carson's hair, savoring the sensations. Carson's weight was present and immediate, pressing down on him. It deepened the ache in Rodney's body, but he didn't care. He needed this too much.

"Touch me, Carson," Rodney said, his voice rough with his desire.

Carson kissed him hard again, hands moving slow but steady on Rodney's sides and shoulders. "I need you so. I thought sure I'd lost you."

Rodney ran one hand along the line of Carson's spine, his fingers caressing skin, pressing into muscle. Carson shivered in his arms. "God, I hope I'm not still hallucinating," he murmured. "I really don't want this to be like that Next Gen episode with Moriarty and the holodeck."

Carson stopped cold, raised his face up a few centimeters, and stared at Rodney. "You're a loony."

They both giggled nervously for a moment then burst out laughing.

"God," Carson said, "I really do love you, you daft git."

"Can we get some sleep?" Rodney asked. "Because really. Aches. Pain. I feel like I've been worked over by a couple of Wraith."

Carson sighed and nodded. "Aye. I don't think you're in any condition for more than that." He gave Rodney a final kiss and settled next to him, their limbs intertwined.

"I love you too, you know," Rodney said. "Even if you do turn out to be a figment of my imagination."

"I'll give you a figment." Carson swatted his temple gently. "Bloody wanker."

Rodney grinned. Carson wrapped himself around Rodney and they held each other as Rodney faded into sleep.

*** 

Sheppard chuckled as he left the Gateroom. Elizabeth was gonna let him keep Ronon Dex. Of course, she'd sounded like his mom -- 'yes dear, if you promise to feed him and clean up after him and take him for walks' -- but really. Ray guns.

Yeah.

This was gonna be good.

~~pau~~


End file.
